We are a self-extinguishing species. Long term -- in order to survive, the number of days we have to not wipe out our own species is infinite. But also, in order to survive, the number of days on which the species we are wiping out is our own, it has to remain at zero.

But in the meantime we are still here, a self extinguishing chain reaction, that hasn't yet petered out. And we can ponder how we misalign between current and expected states of being.

Cast your mind back. Whoooooooooooooooosh. Slip back into the void, turn and run into the past -- recall this:

It was 2017

An Apple product had an absolutely astounding vulnerability.

In Apple's flagship desktop computer, in their flagship operating system, Mac OS Sierra, there was a bug that allowed anyone to unlock a computer using the user name “root” and no password.

Given this abysmmal bug, Gerald Pinkenstrutters knew that Apple was a doomed company, sold his shares in Apple and decided to stay cash heavy for a little while before he found a new company to invest in.

His thoughts were vindicated in 2018 when the company's share price collapsed to record lows, giving him the opportunity to swoop in and no that didn't happen who are we kidding? There is no justice in the world, just the slow unravelling of a random surreal cosmic joke, an ever unfolding punchline whose telling is as long and as twisted as time itself.

In 2018 Apple became the first company to reach a market capitalisation of one trillion dollars.

Picture me tapping quietly at a keyboard.

Look around. We are in a bustling, glistening Apple store in Manhattan.

I have a 27 gallon pepsi and a giant pretzel in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other.

I am Gerald Pinkenstrutters in this scenario. You are too. We are all Gerald Pinkenstrutters in this scenario. Some of us just don't know it yet.

To free a hand for typing, I tuck the pretzel under my chin, it looks like a monstrous goiter, and i hold the crust of the pizza between my teeth, the whole thing flopping around like a deranged cheese and pepperoni covered tongue that ends in a point.

With my one Pepsi-free hand I type "r", then "o", then another "o", then I push the straw through the side of my mouth and suck down a gullet full of pepsi, before I type the letter "t" into the username of the Sierra Mac.

Half burping, I pause to remove the pizza slice, turn it around, and deliver it, point first, into my waiting mouth, I chew a little then lazily turn back toward the glowing screen and mash my oily finger on the return key.

I have full access. Holy shit I say.

Bwah!

I wake up screaming. It is 2018 and Apple are the first company in history to have a market capitalization over 1 trillion dollars.

At standup Gerald boldly

At Standup Gerald boldly states:

"Chaswick is a piece of garbage."

Chaswick is the name of an expensive, popular and ultimately frustrating set of html components.

"I can't believe this thing could be so half assed. I mean," said Gerald, "what a piece of junk."

The 12 O'Clock bell rings

The 12 O'Clock bell rings - a whir of suits and shouts and hats --

Imagine a 1950s rush of promising young men, office johnny's trying to save for that house, that buick, those whitegoods, men in in suits and hats, shouting and racing across street outside the the office, each one crowding into their own telephone booth to call in the order to their broker:

BUY CHASWICK.

Buy. Chaswick.

See also

• Henry Porter